Sometimes loving ourselves means breaking free from toxic relationships, work places, or churches. This week I am sharing a talk on spiritual abuse that I presented last December at my church. First I want to share a couple of questions posed by Dr. Hillary McBride in her Holy Hurt podcast that I just started listening to: “How can you identify a thing that hurt you when you were also told that doing so would be a sin and would cause eternal suffering? How can you name what was wounding when the source of the trauma caused you to sever the knowing that a wound existed in the first place?” Please join me in listening to this podcast if you would like to further explore spiritual abuse and healing from trauma. Also, the images in this article are by artist David Hayward and can be found at https://www.facebook.com/nakedpastor or nakedpastor.com.
Spiritual abuse is the abuse of the human spirit. It causes the abused person to split from the spirit, to live a life totally separate of any connection with the soul and with one’s truly authentic self. Spiritual abuse causes us to play a role or wear a mask in order to be accepted and avoid further abuse.
Spiritual abuse restricts peace of mind and freedom of expression. Spiritual abuse prevents the abused person from fully exploring what life is and what it could be. It cuts us off from our spirit so that we don’t live in it or from it.
Why would a person split from the spirit? It may happen when someone tries to tell you how to feel, what to think and/or what to believe so much that your own original thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are not allowed in the room.
For me, it happened when I was taught that I was innately corrupt and unworthy, that there was nothing good in me. For me, it happened when I was taught to feel guilty about my authentic self, for not being holy enough, for enjoying the wrong kind of entertainment, for not being a good witness, for not studying the Bible enough, for not praying enough, for not sharing my beliefs with others, for not inviting people to church, for not keeping the Sabbath holy enough and for being unhealthy.
Basically I was taught not-enoughness. I was not enough. And I felt like I would never be enough.
Danielle Shroyer said, “original sin does not bring peace. It brings discord and disintegration. It convinces us to see the world through the lens of scarcity, which brings fear and anxiety to us. And we are naive if we do not see not-enoughness as the root of every act of violence and hatred on this earth.”
She also said: “The word religion literally means to put things back together again. Did you know that? It's derived from the same root as the word ligament. Somehow, in this story of not-enoughness, we made religion about taking things apart, separating things, naming things holy and unholy, saved and unsaved. We forgot that the purpose of religion is to rediscover our wholeness.”
I was taught “not enoughness” and I was also taught fear. In the church I grew up in, we were taught to fear the outside world and fear the future when we would be hunted down and persecuted. We had to learn wilderness survival skills and memorize scripture to prepare for the “time of trouble” when we may not have our Bibles or basic necessities like food and shelter.
I was taught “not enoughness,” and I was taught fear and I was also taught to deny my authentic self. My authentic self is empathetic and advocates for those who are abused and marginalized. My father silenced me when I spoke up for those he was criticizing, which caused me to become shy and silent. I was taught to defer to male leaders or to others who claim to be more holy and learned than me. I began to see God as being more interested in what I did and much less interested in who I am. I believed I would never be enough for God, for my family, for my world. So I wore a mask; I compartmentalized; and I pretended I was good. But inside my heart I knew I was anything but. I hid from my authentic self. I was taught to go to war with my own spirit. This is spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse is a very personal and individual experience. My journey may not be identical to others who have fallen victim to spiritual abuse. This is my story. But spiritual and religious abuse are also global. Our community, society as a whole, all of us are impacted by it in some way.
Religion and spirituality should be a source of comfort, peace, community, and inspiration in your life. For many of us, that has not always been true and maybe has never been true for some.
I have seen far too many examples of Christians treating others as less than human, and condemning and abusing them because they have a different color of skin or because they identify as LGBTQ. Many of these humans created by God have been killed or killed themselves because of this hatred and discrimination. Sadly, every type of abuse is all too common in many religious communities. The emotional, spiritual and physical damage inflicted by religious leaders, teachers and parents has destroyed many lives and often prevents souls from connecting with God’s love and their authentic selves in any real, healthy way.
Eugene Peterson wrote: "Religion without love is one of the most vicious forces in the world."
Ravi Zacharias said: “Yes, if truth is not undergirded by love, it makes the possessor of that truth obnoxious and the truth repulsive.”
Rather than communicating love, religion often divides us into groups and creates an “us versus them” mindset. Religion prioritizes beliefs and values over love. Religion views those who hold different beliefs and values as being wrong, evil, or of lesser value. In some cases, religion causes people to believe that those who hold different views should be cast aside or even destroyed. Left unchecked, religion often leads people to crave power, position and control rather than freedom, love and acceptance.
Religious teachings sometimes rob us of an understanding of who God really is as we begin to see God as vengeful, controlling and primarily interested in our righteous behavior. Rather than leading people to God, these teachings often alienate people from God.
John Pavlovitz said, "People outside the Church will tell you: love is no longer our calling card. It is now condemnation, bigotry, judgment and hypocrisy. In fact, the Christianity prevalent in so much of America right now isn’t just failing to draw others to Christ, it is actively repelling them from him. By operating in a way that is in full opposition to the life and ministry of Jesus—it is understandably producing people fully opposed to the faith that bears his name.”
In my work as a hospice social worker, I have attended funerals where the minister presents a ransom demand to the grieving loved ones by saying that “if you want to see your grandma again, you better get right with God.” Is this who God really is?
After we moved to a new city, we visited a church where we were told our young son was not allowed in the sanctuary and he was whisked away by a stranger to the basement for “children’s church.” The church had actually printed in the bulletin that no children under age 7 were allowed in the sanctuary! Is this who God really is? A divine being who only welcomes some? Who prefers to have noisy youngsters sequestered to the basement?
At another church, I witnessed an elderly saint tell a teenager who finally came back to church that his long hair was an abomination to the Lord. Does God really care about the length of a person’s hair?
Some religious leaders have said that AIDS is a punishment and poverty is caused by disobedience. Is this the type of God we serve?
Religious leaders have used prayer to manipulate and pressure, such as praying that you wouldn’t get a job that would lead you away from a particular church or praying that your schedule opens up to allow you to attend more church meetings. There is extreme pressure to give your time and money until you have nothing left. And there is guilt when you can’t or don’t give enough.
During one of the most painful times of my life, I was longing for love and support from my church family. My pastor and church leaders instead created a toxic, controlling, unsafe environment and were more concerned with what they could get from me. However, a dear soul at church gave me incredible heart-healing hugs and told me she would be my new mom. That is exactly what I needed and what we all need from each other.
I know we know this, but it bears repeating. God is NOT toxic. People are.
I want to say that again, God is NOT toxic. People are.
Please don't run away from God or from your authentic self because of hateful religious people. Romans 8 tells us that nothing can ever “separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God loves you and will always be there for you. And you are enough.
If you have been abused, please reach out for help with your healing journey. First and foremost, you need to remove yourself from the abusive person or organization. Sometimes therapy is necessary and beneficial. Sometimes it may be enough to find one or more people who unconditionally love and accept you, with whom you can share your story and gain support as you find your footing.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could redeem and reclaim the purpose of religion… to put people back together and make them whole again? I believe God has given us the formula: love God and love people.
In closing, I want to share the beautiful words of Chelan Harkin from her poetry book 'Susceptible to Light':
"The worst thing we ever did
was put God in the sky
out of reach
pulling the divinity
from the leaf,
sifting out the holy from our bones,
insisting God isn’t bursting dazzlement
through everything we’ve made
a hard commitment to see as ordinary,
stripping the sacred from everywhere
to put in a cloud man elsewhere,
prying closeness from your heart.
The worst thing we ever did
was take the dance and the song
out of prayer
made it sit up straight
and cross its legs
removed it of rejoicing
wiped clean its hip sway,
its questions,
its ecstatic yowl,
its tears.
The worst thing we ever did is pretend
God isn’t the easiest thing
in this Universe
available to every soul
in every breath".
If you enjoyed this article, please share and subscribe for free. I would also love to hear your comments about your experiences with spiritual abuse or thoughts regarding this topic.
I appreciate this and it came at a perfect time for me because I’m planning to write about my faith and how it has both helped and harmed my mental health in my “Changing Lives” newsletter next week (wendigordon.substack.com). Also, the Evolving Faith online community is awesome and I’m happy to be part of it!
This was fantastic, thank you. I have had a very similar lived experience. I’m thankful for the freedom and love I’m seeking now. I appreciate your insights.