Breaking Free to Healing & Forgiveness

Finding & Becoming the Light

Last week I wrote that we can break free from abusive situations by enduring a period of discomfort and emerge to brighter days. The ways we learned to survive may not be the ways we want to continue to live. After I left some toxic relationships and situations a few years ago, I did some research and reading to help me understand how to move forward. Today, I am sharing some helpful quotes that I collected during that process of beginning to heal and work toward forgiveness.

In The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer writes: “If life does something that causes a disturbance inside of you, instead of pulling away, let it pass through you like the wind. After all, things happen every day that cause inner disturbance… If you want to be free, you have to learn to stop fighting these human feelings. When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eye of your consciousness. Then relax and release. Stay open and receptive. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this and that’s what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you… Every single time you relax and release, a piece of the pain leaves forever… If you want to be free, you must first accept that there is pain in your heart. You have stored it there and you have done everything you can think of to keep it there deep inside so that you never have to feel it. There is also tremendous joy, beauty, love and peace within, but they are on the other side of the pain…Your true greatness hides on the other side of that layer of pain.” What do you think about his words? Have you experienced this in your life?

Healing and forgiving after trauma and abuse can be a very long painful process. My husband Tracy wrote a song called “Looking Up Ahead.” One of the lines says “I want to forgive [but] my heart is moving slow.”

It’s particularly hard to forgive and heal if someone is telling you that you shouldn't feel the way you feel because what you say happened didn't really happen. It’s also very difficult to forgive someone who has no remorse and continues to hurt you. That’s why it’s important to realize that "we need relationships, but we don’t need every relationship—especially ones that bring us more pain than support.... ‘The more time you spend away from toxic people, the more time you have for yourself and the people that are positive, uplifting, and important to you.’ Make time for people who bring you happiness, and let go of those who bring you anything less." (7 Tips for Eliminating Toxic People From Your Life By Zoe Weiner) I know from experience that it is heartbreaking to distance yourself or completely separate yourself from people you care about, but it can also give you the freedom and perspective to heal and grow into a healthier version of yourself and cultivate healthier relationships.

It seems to me that some people are toxic to certain people and not to others, just like some of us enjoy peanut butter but it is deadly to others. Penicillin is healing to some and toxic to others. If you question why someone walks away from a relationship, a job, a church, a political party or leader, consider that it could be because there was something or someone that was toxic to them. I have several examples from my own life, and I am learning to avoid or resist those toxic situations rather than continuing to drink the Koolaid. If you are in a toxic situation or recovering from one(or more), I hope you will find your way to a place of healing, peace and even forgiveness.

But forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or second chances for abusive or toxic people. Forgiveness is about letting go of the pain and resentment in your heart and not letting the person or experience have power over you anymore. “Predators, abusers and cults love to use forgiveness as a tool to guilt trip you into giving them another chance. To manipulate you into taking the blame for their own wrongdoings. To prove that you’re both equally as bad. To shame you for legitimate anger you may carry over mistreatment. To wag their fingers at you and patronize you for not being able to let go of the past as opposed to them taking the responsibility for their inappropriate behavior. This type of sanctimonious forgiveness is manipulative and predatory. Do not give second chances to people who express no remorse for their mistreatment of you. Do not give second chances to people who express remorse but continue the same harmful behavior. Do not accept another person forgiving you for crimes you did not commit.” (From an excellent book: Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson McKenzie.)

Henri J.M. Nouwen, a priest and counselor, wrote the following in his journal during the most difficult period of his life: “You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to be healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. Many tears still need to be shed. But do not be afraid. The greatest challenge is living your wounds through instead of thinking them through. Then you can live them through and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is greater than your wounds.” Nouwen encourages us to think of our wounds as a hurt child. When the child is embraced and comforted by a loving parent, the child can relax and heal. So also when we embrace our own pain, we can heal.  Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from your pain to the pain. When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, even vindictive…. Real healing comes from realizing that your own particular pain is a share in humanity’s pain. That realization allows you to enter into a truly compassionate life.” (The Inner Voice of Love, 1996.)

“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.”  (Bianca Sparacin) I can definitely agree with this statement and know people like this. I strive to be one of them and want to be a safe place and a hand of hope for my fellow walking wounded. I will close with another song that is one of my personal anthems: Sara Bareilles - "A Safe Place to Land" ft. John Legend